Dating for a decade? Young adults slow to marry

(USA TODAY) – Supposedly, young adults don’t have much of an attention span — except when it comes to love.

That’s when it seems this generation of young people is giving new meaning to the words “long-term relationship.” Many are “a couple” for years, and some approach a decade of dating. They’re just shy of the altar for so long that parents and grandparents are a bit bewildered.

“It’s good to get to know your partner before marrying, but one wonders how long you need,” says sociologist Andrew Cherlin, 61, of Johns Hopkins University.

Relationships today are far different from the whirlwind courtships that blossomed in the uncertain 1930s and ’40s. Lyndon Johnson and Lady Bird met in August 1934, and he proposed on their first date. They were engaged in October and were married in November.

Prince William and Kate Middleton are perhaps the most visible example of today’s couples. There’s speculation about an impending engagement of the son of Britain’s Prince Charles and Princess Diana, but the fact remains these 28-year-olds are in their ninth year together. On Saturday, Sweden’s Crown Princess Victoria, 32, married her beau of eight years.

In the post-World War II era, couples married in their early 20s. Now, it’s 28 for men and almost 26 for women, Census says.

Among those of marriageable age today, a delay in tying the knot doesn’t mean they haven’t paired off; it just takes some time to seal the deal. …

The world has changed so drastically that experts say today’s young adults have a lot to ponder, much more than decades ago. More education has meant delayed financial independence, which is a major reason young adults say they aren’t making their relationships official.

Other reasons: Sex before marriage is widespread; two-thirds live together before saying “I do.” And there’s a whole world of other potential partners yet to meet. Though movies and TV portray perfect romances, these young adults worry about divorce — they know some relationships just don’t last.

“There’s a lot of fear percolating around marriage,” says Hannah Seligson, 27, author of A Little Bit Married, a book about serial long-term relationships and cohabitation released earlier this year. “They want to get it right.”

Hoppenstand, editor of The Journal of Popular Culture, says society sends mixed messages: “This romantic ideal perpetuated in popular film and TV — ‘finding the one true love and the love that will last a lifetime’ — vs. celebrity culture — ‘married and divorced and married and divorced and multiple mistresses.’ Day after day, it promotes this instability of romantic connections.”

Goldman agrees. “You get all this sage advice in movies: ‘You’ll just know the one.’ Those are not useful pieces of advice.”

Most expect to marry

Still, most young people do expect to get married and believe they will stay married. A 2008 report from the University of Michigan, based on a survey of 2,300 high school seniors across the USA, found that 80% say they will marry and believe they’ll stay married to the same person for life; 4% say they won’t marry. The rest aren’t sure.

Money worries are a significant factor in delaying marriage.

“Just getting out of college, I’m thinking ‘She’s probably the one,’ but I didn’t have any financial stability. I wanted to have some foundation before I asked some chick to be with me forever,” says James Marsden, 25, a financial adviser in Dallas, who says he and girlfriend Brittney Locey, 25, probably will get engaged this year. “When I started working, I felt like what I was building at work was for us,” he adds.

Locey, who works in customer service in aerospace sales, says they started dating in 2001 when she was 16. During that period, they broke up a couple of times and dated others.

Such on-again/off-again relationships are a new area of research, says René Dailey, assistant professor of communication studies at the University of Texas-Austin.

Although breaking up and getting back together has been considered a bad sign, she has found some couples benefit from one or two breakups. Dailey says many “redefine their relationship”; some change things about themselves or about the relationship and report resolving whatever problems they had.

“It used to be, if they broke up, it’s over, and the relationship is done,” says Dailey, co-author of a study published in March in Communication Monographs.

This back-and-forth reflects a desire among some to keep their options open, experts say.

“They may still have this feeling they don’t want their possibilities constricted. ‘I love this person and am committed to him or her, but I don’t want to say this is it yet. I want to have the feeling if I did want to do something else, I could do it,’ ” says psychologist Jeffrey Arnett of Clark University in Worcester, Mass., who studies emerging adulthood.

Psychotherapist Shannon Fox of Branson, Mo., co-author of Last One Down the Aisle Wins, says these young adults don’t date seeking “marriage material.”

“They think, ‘This works now. It feels right for now,’ ” she says. “This is the generation that won’t commit to going to a party on Saturday because something better might come along — someone better might come along.”

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