“Why do people have affairs?”

by Jay Ostrowski

“Affair.” The word itself causes everyone to become attentive. It’s the stuff of tabloids, water-cooler conversations and television ratings. We all know someone affected by one. Maybe one of your parents was unfaithful and caused a world of pain. Maybe you have flirted heavily with the idea or actually indulged yourself. Whatever your contact you know that when an affair comes to light, it causes destruction far beyond any momentary pleasure.

So why would anyone risk losing his or her family, career and friends for a fleeting romance?

The answer is simple on the surface but more complicated as one digs deeper. Intimacy is intoxicating for someone who feels love starved or who wants to escape. Forbidden intimacy is even more attractive.  But refreshment from the wrong well comes at a very high price. We all know this, so why do people still have affairs? How does a person get so far down this sordid road?

The truth is that all of us can go down the same slippery slope if we are not careful to nurture our relationship and our own heart. In small increments we can drift away from our spouse, pile up hurts, nurture our anger and seek to serve ourselves. We become more “I” focused instead of “We” focused. In the search for self-fulfillment we can easily justify misbehavior or blame it on our spouse. Eventually, we can look back and feel that the road back to marital harmony and intimacy is too tough or even impossible. It is easy for us to fall for the lie that starting over with someone else is easier. It’s not.

We all need to take a sober look at some of the less romantic dynamic that underlay our relationships and identify the roots of the problems and proactively shore up our marriages. Even if an affair has occurred, hearts really can heal and the relationship can be restored through an open and honest healing process. If you look back in life you are likely to recognize many other “impossible” problems that you have made it through. It takes courageous self-examination and a willingness to learn. Creating marital harmony will often take an outside expert to point out the path that has not been so clear. Armed with new tactics, the support of friends and determined attention, difficult relationships will find resolution and come out stronger and much more fulfilling than a fanciful fling.

Jay Ostrowski is a Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor and the Director of Clinical Applications for LifeOptions Group, an internet based behavioral health solutions provider. For more than a decade Jay has counseled many individuals and couples through infidelity in his private practice. Jay can be reached at Jay.Ostrowski@LifeOptions.com