Taking a look under the hood…

In a little more than three months I have a very significant birthday. The big 4-0 is on the way and it has generated some of those big life assessing conversations that everyone probably ought to have with themselves from time to time.

I am a big proponent of birthdays. And especially having had a number of friends come through battles with cancer, I believe that every day on the proverbial up-side of the dirt is a gift to be cherished. But whether you subscribe to the “over the hill” theory or my own “40 is the new 30” school of thought, this birthday still seems like a good time to do somewhat of a life inventory, or “take a look under the hood,” in the words of one-time Presidential candidate Ross Perot. Funny thing about looking under the hood, though, is what you find when you stop to really assess what’s there – and what you don’t find that you might be expecting to see.

At least on the surface, my personal checklist looks pretty good. Those all important “success factors” are pretty well covered – good health, a stable career, a 401 (k) plan that was growing until a few months ago, a small but cute home of my own, good friends, close family, a lot of check marks on the proverbial bucket list, and a growing relationship with a vibrant church community are all there.

There are also the “before I turn 40” goals that didn’t quite meet muster, but are within reach – and on this front I must admit, I am pretty proud of my efforts. Given the extra 10 pounds of “junk in the trunk,” I have recently rejoined the gym, subscribed to weight watchers online, met with a personal trainer and most importantly, I have a plan. In this down economy, with some holiday spending slack to make up, I have placed myself on “needs only” shopping restriction (well, those pink and print sling back pumps were a Valentine’s Day present, so they don’t really count, do they??).

In an effort to live life a little less largely, this year’s vacation will be a week at Edisto Beach with my dogs. Yes, I’ll miss earning a new stamp in my passport, but I am hopeful that the opportunity to see Gracie, my sweet rescue Westie, experience the ocean for the first time will be an experience as sweet and memorable as any Bangkok Temple or Parisian Museum. While the new plantation shutters might have to wait until next year, I am making plans to finally have a red kitchen before the big birthday arrives. Finally, I have found a Sunday school class I really like, and have plans to make that ten o’ clock hour on Sunday mornings a recurring (and rewarding) part of my weekly schedule.

So, one good list and one that is getting better…not bad as batting averages go.

Still, for some reason, a review of “the list” does not seem complete without also evaluating the pieces that I always had thought would be there at this point in my life, but that are noticeably absent. No husband, or children, no braces, tuition, baseball practice or piano lessons. But more conspicuous in its absence than the lack of a young family, I have a feeling that I still haven’t figure “it” out yet – or even discovered what “it” is.

I am well aware of the old adage that an unmarried woman over forty is more likely to be struck by lightening than to find a good man, and maybe I am supposed to be what a friend’s mother once called “a career girl” instead of a wife and mom. But either way, I really believe that life is supposed to have more of a purpose than success at the office and cute curtains on the windows. So, I can’t help but think that opening this big Pandora’s Box – and taking a look under the hood – requires more than just stating the obvious and pontificating about the future, but also necessitates pondering some tough questions. Quite frankly, it would be dishonest of me not to admit to being less than thrilled with all of the answers.

At least in this case, the Pandora’s Box is more of a mirror – one that is often hard to look into deeply without raising issues of inadequacy that, in turn, beg questions about my faith. I know in my heart that God has a plan for my life and that His timing is perfect. I also readily admit to being a complete control freak. At least professionally speaking, I live in a world that drives those control factors into high gear on a pretty regular basis. So I am stuck in sort of a catch 22 – without “Letting Go and Letting God,” it is impossible to experience the fullness of His love but I am holding on to this roller coaster called life with a white knuckled grip that some days would require the jaws of life to pry loose.

Ironically, it is the parts of life that I feel are missing that drive me to hold so tightly the pieces already in place. Intellectually I know that is crazy. Realistically, while I know I’m not really in control, I have also never faced such a tough challenge. It is sort of like watching my dog Hadley when we go on walk. She loves to “walk” herself by grabbing part of the leash with her mouth and prancing down the street, clearly believing she is in control. All the while, I am holding the end of the leash, guiding her along our chosen route for the day, protecting the neighborhood squirrels from mortal danger and keeping Hadley out of the path of cars and bicycles.

I often wonder if my real struggle with submitting to God – or perhaps some other life lesson that I have yet to grasp – has rendered me “stuck” in a proverbial no-man’s land. Kind of like my own 40 years in the wilderness, only with Legislators and Lobbyists instead of Moses and the Israelites? Is this it? Am I simply unsatisfied living the life God has planned for me, believing that the grass is truly greener on the other side of the fence? Or am I knee deep in an internal battle between trying to protect myself from the painful vulnerabilities of the past and being willing to give up some of that “armor” and open my life fully to God’s plan and His purpose for my life. Am I being delusional, walking through life with a leash in my mouth and pretending to be in control while God waits for me to clue in and accept that he has always been in charge of this walk? And if that is the case, then am I just around the corner from my own little “land of milk and honey,” yet unable to make the turn and truly enjoy God’s blessings until I let go of my stubborn selfish ways?

In an effort to help me memorize Bible verses, start my day out with positive thoughts and learn to spell words like Thessalonians and Isaiah, I began using Bible verse numbers as my computer passwords. After all, they have lower and upper case letters and numbers, they are nearly impossible to guess and even though they change monthly, there is a nearly endless supply from which to choose. One I used recently was Philippians 2:13: For it is God who works in you to will and act according to his good purpose. It seems sort of relevant to my struggle with control in a time when I really want to seek and live out God’s will in my life. And at least according to Paul’s epistle, the answer seems to involve a pretty simple three-part plan: first seek to know, then accept and finally, submit and do. Clearly much easier analyzed than implemented.

In a time when the whole nation is struggling and re-evaluation of priorities is more of a “must” than a “may” for most people, I cannot help but think that God is offering me – and maybe you too – a special blessing in the midst of these big challenges. After all, it is much harder to “suck it up” when excess is so accessible than when there really are not many other available options. So on this road to forty, after a long look in the mirror, I am accepting God’s blessing and this challenge: beginning with the next three months, I will consciously and prayerfully work on letting go of the leash, loosening up the white knuckled vice grip and deliberately seeking God’s guidance for my life. Who knows what’s around the corner, whether the grass is greener or if there is any milk and honey flowing in Columbia, South Carolina. But taking a cue from musician Steven Curtis Chapman, this seems like a pretty good time to count to three and take a big leap of faith.

I’m diving in, I’m going deep, in over my head I want to be
Caught in the rush, lost in the flow, in over my head I want to go
The river’s deep, the river’s wide, the river’s water is alive
So sink or swim, I’m diving in.